When I was very, very little, I remember thinking that doctors and nurses were essentially the same thing, but the doctors were the boys and the nurses were the girls. The doctors were in charge, and I knew they got paid more, but they did the same jobs, I thought. I expressed my “knowledge” to my mother, and she straightened me out, reminding me that there are tons of men who are nurses, and tons of women who are doctors. However, I clearly remember her telling me one point that I was largely correct on: in many cases (but not all), the men are paid more than the women doing the exact same jobs. And so began my fascination with feminism.
There seems to be some confusion, even now, with what feminism actually means. If I tell you that I’m a feminist, many of you will immediately paint me as a passive-aggressive, butthurt drama queen, hell-bent on trashing anything and everything male. But the truth is, and has always been, that you don’t have to be anti-men to be pro-women. (I know that some people are, and I’m going to say that I don’t believe they should be called feminists.) Plain and simple, a feminist is a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. Recently, I read this article, and while I do see some of her points, I’m saddened that she seems to be so confused as to what true feminism actually is. Towards the end of her post, she says, “I support fairness for everyone, but as long as being feminist means suppressing masculinity, it cannot possibly be called a “quest for equality.”” True feminists have never been about “suppressing men”. I just want to live in a world where, as a woman, I have the same opportunities, and I’m granted some respect. To plainly say that as a woman, you are not a feminist, is to say that you do not believe that women should have the same rights as men. And that baffles me. Feminism is not about picketing and fighting and bad attitudes, and it is not about making women stronger. We are already strong. It is about changing the way society around us perceives that strength.
I need feminism because when I finally had the guts to expose my rapist after multiple assaults, I was told that it wasn’t “really rape” because we had had consensual sex before, and he had been my boyfriend. Never mind that I went in with a black eye and bruises around my neck. I was asked what I had done to provoke him.
I need feminism because I am repeatedly asked by men (who have long-term girlfriends) for pictures of my boobs, no matter how many times I say no. No matter how uncomfortable I am, no matter how often I ignore comments that just make me feel like a piece of meat, I am still harassed because “damn girl those are sexy”.
I need feminism because there are men who seriously think that buying me a drink or holding the door open for me is some sort of entitlement to my body, and I’m a bitch or a tease if I don’t sleep with you “or at least give you a blow job”.
I need feminism because I’ve been told that I have a sailor’s mouth and “no respectable man is ever going to want to date you if you can’t talk like a lady”.
I need feminism because my mother never received a dime from my father to help raise me, because she was afraid that, although he hit her and put his oldest daughter in foster care, the court would grant him custody or give him visitation rights because he had a larger income.
I need feminism because men take “no” as a challenge and continue to pressure me into doing things I don’t feel comfortable doing, but I end up feeling guilty about trying to refuse.
I need feminism because multiple men still think that it is acceptable to invalidate my anger or frustration or sadness as “oh are you on your period?”
I need feminism because I have friends who have had men buy them gym memberships “because baby I want you to be worthy of dating me. This is because I care about you.”
I need feminism because when I was 18 and I told on a 40 year old man who had been touching my thighs and my ass and referring to me as his “future baby mama” at work, no one did anything but continue to make me work with him and make jokes about it.
I need feminism because there are women who truly say that they are against feminism. (See also, Jews for Hitler, or Slaves Against Emancipation?)
I could go on, but I think the point is made. In the article I spoke about earlier, she says, “Respect is earned, not demanded.” That’s bullshit. I absolutely demand that I be treated like a human being. I do not have to justify my emotions, my feelings, my rights, or my choices in general to men. Ever. If I say no, I damn well mean it. My body isn’t an item for you to barter on and persuade me to give you. And sure, boys will be boys, but that should mean that sure, they’ll fart and burp a lot. It should never be an excuse to lay a hand on a woman, or treat a woman like she’s nothing but a set of tits for their viewing pleasure. Do I think dress codes are great? Absolutely. I think everyone should be covered in school and work, out of respect for themselves and those around them. But I do not think that a tiny bit of cleavage or my bra strap or my thigh is a “distraction to boys” and should be covered so that “they can learn easier”. Nor do I think that if I dress to show off any part of my body that I am “asking for it”. Unless I say “have sex with me”, I am never asking for it. I don’t think that all men are rapists, and statistics tell me that 4 out of 5 girls won’t be sexually assaulted, but my rapist told me to “shut up and be glad someone wants to have sex with me” and police told me that someone I knew so well couldn’t actually rape me. I was told that I was overreacting. To this day, I have panic attacks when anyone touches my neck, but I must have overreacted when he tried to choke me. After all, “he just loves you. Maybe you should stop fighting it.”
No. I shouldn’t have to fight to have the rights I deserve. I deserve to show off my body however I feel comfortable doing so. I deserve to be able to go certain places at certain times without feeling like I have to take my brother or another bigger man with me to protect me. I deserve, as a teacher, to make the salaries that the male employees are making to do the same job. I deserve to wear v-necks without being told I’m dressing “slutty”. I deserve to be mad without having my hormones and my uterus questioned. I deserve to put my middle finger up and drop f-bombs without being told that I’m not a lady who could ever be datable. I deserve to wear what I want without being told “you know that men don’t actually find that attractive, right?” as if I dress for men and not for myself. I deserve for men to look me in the eyes and not in the breasts. I deserve the chance to be with a man and not continually question why he wants to be with me. I deserved to be told that I’m beautiful, and not “damn girl you’re doing those pants a favor” and I shouldn’t be put down when I don’t see crude catcalls as a compliment. I deserve to view my body as a temple and not as damaged goods. I deserve to feel empowered and not ashamed.
All men are created equal, they say, and that’s true. All people are created equal is true too. Regardless of gender, ethnicity, religion, color, sexual orientation, social status, beliefs, ideas, and what have you, we are all human beings who deserve compassion and love and respect. That’s the point. We are all incredibly important to this world around us, and this world is only going to grow in a positive light if we treat people the way we all want to be treated. No one is better than anyone else. We are all special to this place, and its time we started treating each other like that. However, we cannot for one second assume that we don’t still need feminism (feminism = equality, remember), or that rape culture isn’t very real and prevalent still today, or that all feminists are crazy ladies drowning in misandry. There are so many important things to keep focusing on, learning about, and growing with. We all have the potential for truly great things, and we need to better embrace that of all people. No one has the power to invalidate me, but we all have the power to empower each other. That starts by accepting the problem(s) for what they are, educating others, creating realistic goals, and working to achieve them.
I am unapologetically feminist down to my core, and you should be too. To say that men are still not in power in this society is to turn a blind eye to reality. Imagine if we lived in a world where men were as disgusted by rape as they are by periods. Imagine if we lived in a world where a man held a door open for a woman just because its nice, not because he expected a sexual favor in return. Imagine if we lived in a country where a female could be president some day, and people wouldn’t joke about her being “too emotional” to do one hell of a good job. Imagine if we just lived in a world where we were nice to one another, and accepting of differences, ideas, and lifestyles.
I ache to live in a world like that. Until then, here’s some girl-power dust, because we all need it. And here’s some human-power dust too.
I am better, but I am not well. 